


If You See My Reflection in the Snow-covered Hills

by phoenixflyinghigh



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcoholic Harry, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, BAMF Niall, BAMF Zayn, Bisexual Liam, Bisexual Niall, Cheating, Depressed Louis, F/F, Female Harry Styles, Female Harry Styles/Female Louis Tomlinson, Female Liam Payne, Female Louis Tomlinson, Female Niall Horan, Female Zayn Malik, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Girl Direction, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Panic Attacks, Pansexual Character, Pansexual Harry Styles, Polyamory, Queer Culture, Queer Themes, Vaginal Fingering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 06:43:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11572545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixflyinghigh/pseuds/phoenixflyinghigh
Summary: “Louis. Seriously.” Lottie stopped Louis’ pacing, taking hold of her shoulders.  “You know it’s all based on looks and personality anyway, and you’ve got both to spare.”Louis nervously nodded her head. Fuck, this would be so much easier if she was a guy. At least then they wouldn’t be judging whether she was too fat or annoying before she even opened her mouth.Or, the story of five queer girls against the world.





	If You See My Reflection in the Snow-covered Hills

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thepriestthinksitsthedevil (stubliminalmessaging)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stubliminalmessaging/gifts).



> The prompt I chose was:
> 
> "I'm interested in seeing an interpretation of Larry where the entire band has always been cis girls. What kind of things would be different? What things would be the same? Would they still be closeted so badly? I just really want to read another writer's take on that."
> 
> I decided the best way to show my interpretation on the last seven years was to do vignettes of their relationship.
> 
> I also want to thank my lovely beta, [Miki](http://agtbarton.tumblr.com) This could have never existed without you.

>   
>  Oh, mirror in the sky  
>    
>  What is love?  
>    
>  Can the child within my heart rise above?  
>    
>  Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?  
>    
>  Can I handle the seasons of my life? 
> 
>   
> 
> 
> \- Landslide - Fleetwood Mac  
> 

Louis was going to die. How did she even get the idea that she was good enough to audition for The X Factor? Her voice was squeaky and she didn’t even have a big enough range to be a star.

“You’ll be fine LouLou.” Her sister’s voice floated to her side, oh yeah that’s how. _This is your dream, Louis. You played Sandy so well in that play, Louis._ Yeah, whatever. She didn’t even care that she was getting glares from her pacing in the lobby of the audition place.

“Louis. Seriously.” Lottie stopped Louis’ pacing, taking hold of her shoulders. Louis realized that she had been mumbling the last part aloud. “You know it’s all based on looks and personality anyway, and you’ve got both to spare.”

Louis nervously nodded her head. Fuck, this would be so much easier if she was a guy. At least then they wouldn’t be judging whether she was too fat or annoying before she even opened her mouth. 

“Okay, you’re making even me nervous. Go take a breather in the bathroom. Shoo.” Louis’ mom smiled at her eldest daughter, immediately making Louis feel a feeling of warmth wash over her.

“ _Isn’t she lovely, isn’t she won_ -sniff- _derful_.” Louis stopped outside the entrance of the ladies’ room as she heard someone cry-singing. Her big sister instincts reared up as she opened the door.

In front of the mirror, on top of the counter sat a very pretty, crying girl. Louis tutted as she saw her running mascara, although it sure didn’t take anything away from her beauty. The sobbing girl had curly, dark brown hair that fell below her shoulders. Louis thought she looked like a sprite, with the flower barrette in her hair and her bright green eyes. 

Louis was surprised when the girl’s response to her presence was to envelop her in a hug, tucking her head on Louis’ shoulder. She patted the girl until her sobs subsided, slowing into quiet gasps.

The curly-haired girl lifted her head off of Louis’ shoulder and winced as she saw an imprint of her face on the white shirt, “Oops.” 

Louis felt time slow down as they met eyes, “Hi,” she whispered softly.

Louis missed the green-eyed girl’s eyes widening as she started to unbutton her button-down revealing a black camisole. Her mouth gaped as Louis tied the shirt around her waist.

“So what’s your name, Curly?” Louis smiled wide, her smile lines creasing.

“Umm. Harry. And I’m really sorry! It’s just I get stage fright but then I threw up but that made my cramps worse. And then I thought of how embarrassing it would be if I fail my audition.” Harry paused, her eyes widening again, “And I can’t believe I’m telling you this. Fuck this is so embarrassing. And you’re so- Um.”

Louis clasped their hands together, smiling when Harry didn’t notice due to her rambling.

“Listen, Harriet -”

“- that’s not my name.”

“You’re gonna clean yourself up and you’re going to fucking ace that audition. But first…” Louis looked up slyly, “can I get your autograph, popstar?”

\-----------------------------

Harry fisted another patch of grass, watching the thin blades snap with a twist of her wrist. She felt calm for the first time in the last couple weeks due to the results of boot camp and all the stress that accompanied it. She had been a bit worried of how all the girls would act around each other in such a tight space. Especially as they were basically camping alone for a month in order to get to know each other.

All of the girls had such different personalities, not to mention the feelings she got in her stomach whenever she saw Louis laugh or smile or breathe. Harry had always known that she was pansexual, but being from such a small town meant she never actually got a chance to interact with other queer women. For sixteen years she had only been queer in theory and not in practice. And then suddenly this bright piece of sunshine in human form had appeared before her and believed in her after watching her have a meltdown in a public bathroom. Yet it was so hard to remind herself that nothing could happen even they ended up getting onto The X Factor. A relationship definitely wouldn’t help the band.

Not to mention that Louis probably didn’t even like her that way, Louis had told her that she was the oldest out of six girls, so that was probably why she had taken Harry under her wing. Plus she was two years older and so hot. She probably deserved to be with someone as cool as her, like Zayn. 

Harry looked at the two girls on the other side of the fire pit. Louis had definitely succeeded in getting Zayn out of her shell in the past few days at the bungalow. She smiled at the sight of Zayn and Louis dancing dorkily to some Gwen Stefani song, yet still managing to look hot. It was funny to see Zayn jumping up and down, her hands in the air, with her piercings and the undercut their stylists had given her “to make her look more urban”. The whole makeover process had prompted one of Zayn’s many rants about perpetuating stereotypes, which Harry had totally agreed with.

But even Zayn couldn’t compare to Louis. Ever since that day in the bathroom, Harry had been smitten with the feather-haired girl. She was so cute with her pixie cut and her piercing blue eyes, but also at the same time so sexy in her collection of crop tops. Not to mention Harry had definitely swooned when Louis had started playing the piano the other day. All she could think about was Louis’ slender fingers stroking the white keys, sometimes in the dead of the night, Harry would think of the older girl playing her body with the same expertise.

Harry felt someone sit beside her and disrupt her daydreams. She looked over to see Liam with her earphones in. Harry still didn’t know what to the think of the Wolverhampton girl. 

The other night once everyone had fallen asleep by the fireplace, Louis had snuck onto Harry’s mattress and complained, “It just feels like she has a stick up her ass all the time. It’s so fucking annoying. She’s stricter than any of my teachers back home, including the assholes! Maybe she just needs someone to fuck it out of her.”

“I don’t know, Lou,” Harry had already become accustomed to Louis’ crudeness, “maybe she just feels uncomfortable being the only straight girl in the band?”

Louis hummed and turned over and that had been the end of that.

That conversation had happened right after Liam’s period freakout. Louis had been laying across all of the girls, which they all had gotten used to, when Liam had attempted to climb out of the puppy pile. Louis had been her usual dramatic self, hanging onto Liam and laughing, when Liam had snapped.

“I have my period! You can’t follow me! I’m not - I’m not like that!” 

The rest of the girls had stayed frozen until Niall looked up from her phone, “What the fuck was that.”

Ever since that night the only time Liam hung out with them was to practice the song they had chosen to present for the judges. Otherwise, if she was in the same space with them she was in her own musical world.

Harry noticed the awkward vibe that settled on her bandmates once Liam had sat with them in the yard. That’s when she decided that things needed to change, right now.

She clapped her hands and stepped into the middle of the yard, “let’s do a singing exercise! I - I have an idea?” Harry looked over to Louis shyly as she ran over to Harry, visibly excited to cheer the curly-haired girl on.

At that Zayn rolled her eyes at how obvious the two were as Liam handed her iPod hesitantly to Harry. Louis practically had hearts in her eyes, giving the girl confidence.

“So. Um. The Rolling Stones is a band? Um -”

“Whoo!” A mildly intoxicated Niall interrupted Harry, making them all smile.

“Yeah! And people say that one of their best songs is Gimme Shelter, because of this one female backup singer. Um, Merry Clayton? Like even Mick Jagger said it was because of her. And I know that, um, lately all we’ve been hearing is that girl groups never really make it. Because they’re not as interesting or because of some ‘girl group curse’. But, um, they’re wrong.”

“That’s beautiful, Hazza.”

Harry could feel her cheeks start to redden from Louis’ words, “Um, so, Merry Clayton’s part is really good because she just puts all her feelings and every into this intense part. And you can feel how much she doesn’t give a fuck. And I feel like we have more enough feelings and talent between the five of us. So I thought we could try to do the same line. And just not give a fuck.”

Zayn’s eyes narrowed as she recalled the song, “Are you talking about when her voice cracks?”

“Voice cracking?! We can’t ruin our voices before the show. Harry. We only have one -”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Liam -”

Harry hastily started the song around the part she was talking about before a full-blown fight could start out. Louis and Liam’s voices were suddenly stifled under the base of her stepdad’s speakers.

“ _Rape, murde-r! It's just a shot away. It's just a shot away_.”

The scream pierced the starry night, making them all feel like they’re the only ones in the world. 

As each of the girls tried to imitate the scream, Harry could feel the tension slowly start to break. Niall started giggling once Zayn put her whole back into it, falling into the grass. 

Liam finally joined in with some gentle nudging and peer pressure, “ _Rape, murde-r!!_ ” Harry could feel the frustration rolling off of Liam as she let out a scream.

“Holy shit.” Harry felt a prickle of jealousy as Louis looked at Liam in awe, “You fucking nailed that, Li! Do it again.”

Liam let loose another scream followed by giggles as Louis tackled her to the ground.

After a few minutes of wrestling between the two, Liam half-sat up looking at the others, “Harry’s right. If we want to win we need to focus on bringing this passion and making sure everyone else feels it too.”

All the girls sat in the silence, pondering what that would entail as the crickets chirped into the night. Harry felt small underneath the clear starry sky. Did they even have a chance of getting through the judge's’ house? She laid in the grass, seeing clouds of smoke from Zayn’s cig float by.

“Also I think I’m gay.” Four heads snapped back to look at Liam’s red face.

“Babe -”

Liam brushed Louis’ hand away, “I’m not out to anybody though. You guys are the first people I’ve told.” She looked like she was about to cry, trying to gauge their reactions.

Niall guffawed, “Well it’s not like I’m shocked.”

“I don’t know, I’ve never met a gay person before.” Zayn deadpanned as she blew another breath of smoke like she was in a French silent film.

Niall cackled like that was the funniest thing she ever heard, and Harry couldn’t help but join in. She met Louis’ eyes and she felt a shock run through her body, she had never felt so happy. Years later, Harry would say that was the night she knew she had found a family as they laughed and screamed into the night sky.

\-----------------------------

Louis entered the lounge where they had filmed an F Factor a few hours ago. She couldn’t find Harry, and she needed their nightly cuddle. This had to be the last place she had thought to look. Hazza had looked a little down during the filming and she wasn’t sure why. Maybe she had a crush on Aiden? Louis knew she had been all over him, sitting on his lap and the mock kissing, but Aiden knew she was gay and that it was all for a laugh. Louis sighed, she really didn’t want to lose Harry to this little misunderstanding. Maybe she didn’t know the older girl was exclusively gay?

Sure enough, she finally saw a cascade of curls peeking over the side of the couch, signalling that Harry was brooding across it.

“Hey Curly.” Louis reached a hand out to touch the younger girl, but Harry turned over to the side at the last minute. Louis’ hand stayed frozen on the armrest, Harry had never avoided her like this. Aiden must be really important to her.

Louis sighed and sat on the edge of the couch, “I’m sorry...about earlier.”

Harry peeked out from under her hair hesitantly but said nothing. Her curly hair was half up with a cute white flower to match her dress, everything about her screamed cute, sexy innocence. Louis hoped Aiden knew how lucky he was.

“...I just wanted to let you know,” Louis winced, this was so awkward she couldn't even remember the last time she had come out, “I’m really, really gay, so you don’t have to worry about me stealing Aiden from you.”

At that Harry turned over, looking at her with a weird look on her face.

“Um...Since that’s out of the way. Is there anything I can do about any of your other worries, Haz?”

Harry continued looking at her weirdly for a moment before blowing some hair away from her face, “I guess I’m a little homesick too. It’s so weird not being able to go outside.”

Louis nodded, “Yeah, I mean a month ago I was just a cheeky girl from Doncaster, and now we’re a bunch of sex symbols or something?” She paused, suddenly remembering how young Harry was to the rest of them, “Shit, Harry you’re only sixteen, this must be so hard for you, love.”

The green-eyed girl pushed Louis’ concerned hand away, “I’m fine, Louis. I’m not a little kid.” At the look on the shorter girl’s face, Harry sighed and took Louis' hand again, “I don’t know, I’ve just always had my dreams planned out and then this great opportunity right plopped into my lap. But now I feel that those dreams might never come true.”

“Well what were those dreams? Maybe I could help.”

Harry hid her face again, “No, it’s so embarrassing,” she whined

Louis shifted, “Come on, Haz you can trust me, I would never laugh at you. It’s just me.”

She sighed, still avoiding eye contact with Louis. “My mum said ever since I was little I was really sensitive. It's mortifying thinking back at how I would cry at the drop of a hat or while watching cartoons I liked. But mum said that it was what made me so special. That I feel so much, about everything.”

“I agree.” Louis looked into Harry’s eyes, “I love how I can always tell what you’re thinking. You’re so open. The world would be much better if everyone was like you.”

Harry looked flustered for a second but continued, “But for some reason whenever I was in a relationship, it never clicked like that. I never found somebody that made me feel so happy that I could burst. I just...never clicked with anyone.” She repeated in a more sombre tone.

“What, so your dream is to find your true love or something?” Louis laughed. She quickly stopped at the look on Harry’s face, reaching out a hand to stroke the side of Harry’s face again, “I’m not making fun of you, love.”

“That’s not it, Lou.” Harry sighed, frustrated. Louis knew that it was sometimes hard for her to come up with the words to describe what she was feeling. “I don’t want a one true love or some shit like that.”

Harry suddenly sat up. She took Louis’ hand from her face and intertwined their fingers together, “Do you know that song by Fleetwood Mac that everyone knows?”

“The one with the mirror in the mountains or somewhat?”

“Yeah, the one with the mirror in the mountains,” Harry’s eyes sparkled with amusement, “I used to listen to that song nonstop when I was younger. It used to drive Gemma insane.” Harry rolled her eyes, remembering, “It always used to make me cry. You could just feel how intense Stevie felt about her relationship, writing that song.”

“Stevie,” Louis play-mocked. “What happened to get you two on a first-name basis?”

Harry pushed Louis, making her laugh as she fell onto the couch. Louis stayed on her back, as Harry moved closer. The curly-haired girl brought a leg up to straddle her. Yup, just casual friend stuff. Don’t read into it too much, Tomlinson.

Louis distracted herself by reaching up to where she knew Harry was ticklish. Harry let out a high laugh, although it sounded almost like a shout. Fuck this girl was so weird. She tightened her thighs around Louis and rolled back, trying to catch Louis off guard. Too bad she forgot that Louis was the oldest of five girls. She knew how to win a tickle fight from age four.

Harry couldn’t contain her giggles as Louis continued her attack along her sides. She attached her mouth to Harry’s neck, giving the girl love bites. Which was, of course, a normal friend thing to do. Totally.

She froze at the sound of a moan from underneath her. Louis scrambled back and hastily tried to fix her hair as if nothing had happened. She tried not to stare at the marks she made on Harry’s neck. She also did not notice Harry staring at her with dark and sparkling eyes. Nope, not all.

After that brief intermission Harry sat up halfway, “I guess what I’ve always dreamt about was being with someone who made me feel as intense as that. The song. As intense as the feelings in the song.” Harry shook her head like a dog in an effort to adjust her fringe, “I don’t want a perfect, lovey-dovey relationship. I want all the pain and the happiness and look back at it with so much joy that I can’t help but cry. But it wouldn’t hurt if I didn’t have to look back on it, I quite like commitment, as long as it’s with the right person.” Harry smiled expectantly at Louis.

“Well I hope you find it, Hazza. You deserve it.” Louis smiled tightly, “Who knows, it might turn out to be Aiden, right?” She stood up and stretched, missing Harry’s eyes glued to her revealed stomach below her cropped t-shirt. “Well I think I’m going to turn in, and don’t worry Hazza, even popstars can find electric relationships like that.” 

As Louis turned to go she didn’t hear a murmur, “I think I just did.”

\-------------------------------

Louis’ was playing on her phone waiting for Liam to get out of the bathroom on the steps backstage. The producers were waiting to film another one of those video diaries, but Liam was lagging, which was unusual for the tightly-wound girl. Apparently, One Direction’s video diaries were blowing up online, but Louis couldn’t tell if they were getting positive or negative attention, even after hearing the producer’s tone when he told them. 

She winced as she closed Candy Crush. She’d been stuck on this one level for the past two weeks and it was hitting too close to home. During the past few weeks, Louis had been feeling more and more like a sore thumb. Simon and the producers weren’t letting her have any solos, and at this point, she's been wondering why they even let her into One Direction. If her voice sucked so much, why was she even here?

Louis turned her screen off and huffed. How long could it take Liam to use the loo? she thought.

“Louis, could we have a word?”

“Yeah,” Louis’ eyes widened as she followed one of the higher-ups. She couldn’t remember who he was. Did they know it had been Louis who had started the house prank war? Were they actually sending her home?

“Miss Tomlinson -” She stopped in the entrance of the room the tall man had led her to. All the producers were there, with an empty seat at the head of the conference table. It looked like an interrogation room. She dug her fingernails into her palms. They were trying to make her scared but she wasn’t gonna give them an inch.

“Please sit down, Louis.” Simon said at the other end of the table, gesturing at the seat.

“Miss Tomlinson, have you read any of the comments regarding the One Direction video diaries?” The man next to her asked as an assistant placed a glass of water in front of Louis.

“...No. I...No?” Louis hid her shaking hands under the table. Yeah, she was definitely getting sent home.

“...Do you know how people win on The X Factor, Miss Tomlinson?”

“Audience participation?”

“Louis, despite the opinions of your admirers, playing dumb isn’t cute. Every winner of The X Factor has one overarching talent. They knew how to play up what the public expects.” Simon said, getting up.

“Miss Tomlinson, we really think One Direction has potential.” The man beside her said.

Louis was too afraid to look up from her hands, “why aren’t you telling the rest of the girls this? Why just me?” Louis croaked, and Simon sighed dramatically.

“We’ll have to be straight-forward, then.”

“Obviously.” One of the previously quiet men chuckled meanly. Louis knew it was at her but she stayed frozen. 

“Frankly, people don’t like you -”

“Loud. You talk over the others, annoying, " another man chimed in, as if he was reading a list, "also that you don’t take things seriously. I could go on, actually, but we don’t have all day.”

“But, I'm giving you another chance.” Simon grinned at her like she should thank him, “Act like how the public wants, and you’ll stay in One Direction. Don’t, and we’ll kick you off the show.” His tone of voice revealed that this wasn’t the first time a contestant had been threatened like this. 

Louis felt sick. She was trapped, and they were adding insult to injury. It was one thing for her geography professor to tell her she would never amount to anything. But hearing that society thought she had traits that were...worthless and dragging her friends down? That was something completely different.

Louis closed her eyes, suddenly transported to when she was twelve. Her babysitter yelling at her to be quiet for once. Loud. Girls weren’t meant to be loud.

_“Loud.”_

_“Never amount to anything.”_

_“Too difficult to love.”_

Louis didn’t remember walking back to the stairs. She didn’t see the worried looks Harry and Zayn sent her. She didn’t respond to a joke and a nudge from Niall. All she could do was try to hold in the burning heat behind her eyes.

_“Be quiet!”_

_“Act more like a -”_

“Ehm, our first question is from Merrill. And she wants to know if we had a superpower, what would it be. Louis.” Louis could register Niall’s voice, but she was still disoriented. 

Zayn nervously looked at Louis’ face on the monitor, “Well -”

“If you had a superpower what would it be. Louis, what do you think?” Niall looked back at Louis again, completely oblivious.

“Obviously she don’t feel good, man.” Zayn mumbled in the front, trying to give Louis an out.

“...What?” Louis brought a hand up to her face, rubbing at her eyes, “Um.”

“She wants to know if you had a super power, what it would be.” Niall twirled a pen in her hand, unaware of the tension building on the steps.

“I just. I just. I’d - I’d fly.” Louis stuck an arm out like superman as an afterthought.

Niall giggled as Louis made eye contact with Harry. Louis quickly adjusted her fringe and stared up the stairwell. She couldn’t look at h - them. She was dragging them down, maybe it would be better if she just left the show before they could kick her out.

For the rest of the diary she kept silent. She didn’t even laugh ( _or guffaw,_ she thought, _I always laugh so loud, that needs to change_ ) when Zayn routinely teased Liam. Even Niall noticed something was wrong halfway through.

Louis tried not to notice Harry’s eyes on her the whole time. It would be hardest to say goodbye to her. It was good that she hadn’t acted on her crush, it’s not like Harry could ever like her back. She was too much to handle.

When it came time for Louis to ask her assigned question, she knew she couldn’t make the _obnoxiously_ dramatic pun that she had been planning to add this whole week. She almost put a little pep in her voice but quickly changed her mind. That would be too annoying, she thought to herself.

“K. Steele says, what’s the strangest dream you’ve ever had.” Louis droned with a flat, droning voice, “...Harry?”

“When I was six I had a dream that rats bit all my toes off.”

Louis couldn’t stop the corner of her mouth from twitching. Harry smiled at her knowingly right before Louis burst into giggles. She tried to cover her mouth to silence it, but she still felt better. 

As the rest of the girls reacted to Harry’s one-liner, Louis kept eye contact with Harry. As Liam began to tease Zayn back, about Freddy Krueger, Louis realized she could have fallen in love with Harry. Shit, she was halfway there now. She had literally never met someone who could read her so well, and just knows what she needed. After only five months after meeting her, this green-eyed girl knew her better than any of her last girlfriends. 

Louis could feel tears build up in her eyes. But she would never really know what being in love with Harry could feel like. Even if Harry could ever like her back ( _unlikely_ , a voice whispered), Louis probably didn’t have much time left on The X Factor. She was sick of all these conflicting emotions. She clutched on to the railing beside her, willing time to go faster.

“We were One Direction. Thank you for watching our video diary. Hopefully, we’ll see you next week!” As Niall signed off, the word _hopefully_ echoed in Louis’ ears.

As soon as the cameras were off, Louis was on her feet, running to their room. She knew the other girls were behind her, and that they would want to know what was wrong, but she just couldn't handle that right now. She locked the bathroom door behind her and immediately burst into tears. Louis can’t remember the last time she cried this hard. She’s curled on the floor by the time she hears Harry knocking.

She closed her eyes. She really wasn’t capable of answering, she couldn’t even catch her breath. She didn’t even know what she’d say if she was capable. 

“Lou - Lou, please, what’s wrong?” She could hear the other girls’ voices outside the door too, Niall almost sounded scared. Louis had done that.

“Louis. Please. Let me in, let me help. Please.” Harry’s voice sounded teary now, and that just couldn’t do.

The short-haired girl crawled over to the door and unlocked the knob. Harry immediately came in, teary-eyed, looking at Louis prone on the floor.

“Oh, Lou.”

Before she knew it, Harry was sat against the door as Louis crawled into her lap. Louis usually hated being reminded of how short she was, especially after Lottie’s growth spurt, but in this moment she was happy Harry was so abnormally tall. She could be selfish and have this before she had to leave.

Louis nestled her head into Harry’s shoulder as she felt the taller girl tense. She rubbed Louis’ back, making her feel safe and warm in Harry’s arms. Louis’ sobs started to slow down and she hiccuped, still wrapped around Harry. Belatedly she realized she had been speaking her last self-deprecating thoughts out loud.

She felt Harry steel herself before asking, “So you’re leaving...Is it about your mum?” A beat went by. “Or is it because of something else?”

Louis didn’t know how to answer. She didn’t want to poison Harry’s optimism about the group, but she also thought the curly-haired girl should know, “the producers want me to leave.” Louis gulped audibly. She was glad she was still hiding her face in Harry’s shoulder, she knew all her emotions were reflected there.

“Wha- Why?!” Louis’ heart warmed at Harry’s tone.

Louis finally leaned back, looking at Harry, “They said I’m dragging the group down. Also nobody likes me,” Louis ignored Harry’s indignant huff, “viewers think I’m too loud and annoying.” Louis sighed, and realized she had been playing with one of Harry’s hands as she laid her soul bare, “And, I mean they’re not wrong…”

Louis cringed as Harry went silent, her thinking face on. Well, that hurt. She had hoped at least Harry would disagree with that opinion. She moved off of Harry when the taller girl tapped her hip, she hugged her knees as Harry slipped away and repeated everything to the rest of the girls.

She was brought out of her head as everyone piled into the cramped bathroom. Oh fuck, was this an intervention where her bandmates agreed on hating her personality? She looked at Niall as the blonde sat on the counter. Certainly, chill Niall wouldn’t, right? Louis felt the tightness in her chest ease as Niall smiled at her. Bless good old Niall.

Harry cleared her throat, “We are gathered here to say - ”

(“Jesus Christ, this isn’t a church,” Zayn muttered.)

“We’re sorry, Lou.” 

Louis tilted her head in confusion at that. Was this going to be a pity themed intervention?

“So far you’ve always been the glue supporting us and making sure we succeed.” Zayn wore a soft, sad smile, “You’ve been the one encouraging us and making us forget about our shortcomings. But we’ve totally ignored what you need.”

Harry knelt on the floor and took hold of Louis’ hands, “Louis, I love your voice, and if we had any power we would give you at least one solo per song every week.”

“Like the dopest verses.” Niall chimed in. “Plus we really like your personality. You’re really funny and you make me miss Ireland less, which is saying something.”

Louis chuckled wetly, she loved these girls so much. She was surprised when Liam hesitantly looked down at her. “We - We’re going to tell Simon that if he kicks you out, we’re all going with you.”

“What?!” Louis gaped at Liam, the one hounding them about taking the competition seriously with a stick up her ass. “You can’t - !”

“We will.” Zayn stared intensely at Louis.

“Like, it’s obviously fate that we all met each other here and got put in a group together. And we’re obviously not going to win The X Factor so I already started making connections within the industry so we can get a record deal once we bounce. It wouldn’t be that different if we left earlier than they expect.” Niall shrugged, before taking a swig from the bottle in her hand. Talk about a mic drop.

Zayn stared at Niall with a look of amazement, “I’m so attracted to you right now.”

Niall raised an eyebrow, “Well -”

“Gay PDA aside!” Liam cut in flustered, “We’re here for you no matter what. Girl power. I guess.” Liam looked embarrassed yet earnest.

Niall voice took on a nasal tone, “We really love you, like, no homo or whatever.”

“All the homo!” Zayn yelled, initiating a group hug as she fell on top of Louis.

Harry stood off to the side as the four other girls teetered side to side in a group hug. After a moment Louis snuck under the huddle to Harry, to Liam's chagrin trapped in the middle.

Harry turned to her, “You know while I was scared that you were leaving, I felt really sad.” 

“Wow, thanks, Haz.” Louis teased as she pulled on of the girl’s curls, watching it spring back up.

“No, Louis.” She baulked at Harry’s sombre tone, “I realized that if you left today, I would regret not doing something…something really important.”

Louis felt breathless as Harry looked into her eyes. God, she wanted.

Harry cupped Louis’ face. “Can I - ?”

She felt like they were the only ones in the world. They didn’t even notice the other three girls quiet and look at them. 

Louis nodded softly, still hardly breathing. Harry slowly brought her face down until their lips were almost touching, Louis could feel the younger girl’s breath intermingle with her own. 

Louis closed her eyes and tentatively fit their mouths together. Both of the girls felt a shock run through them. Louis pulled back from the super short kiss. She could understand why Harry wouldn’t want to properly kiss her since their friends were in the same cramped place with them. 

Harry surged forward. This kiss was completely different. She kissed Louis intensely yet slow. She stilled, overwhelmed, and then moaned, opening her mouth for Harry to devour. Louis didn’t know where her hands wanted to go, she grabbed Harry’s hair as the taller girl pulled Louis’ leg up by her thigh. It was almost like Harry’s lips had erased the past few hours and she was back to normal.

They broke apart slowly, wonder on their faces, to the sound of the other girls cheering loudly. 

(“Finally,” Zayn muttered as Liam handed her twenty pounds.) 

“You’re electric, Louis.” Harry exhaled. Louis looked into her eyes and knew Harry was halfway there too. 

\--------------------------------

Harry just wanted to put it on the record that although every part of Louis was gorgeous (from the top of her soft hair to the tip of her tiny toes) her favourite part of her girlfriend was her stomach. No one was more surprised about this than Louis.

(“I hate it. Don’t really know what you see in it,” Louis had quietly confided one night, “I thought playing footie would at least make it less...puffy.”

“Babe,” Harry had turned over, only able to see her girlfriend’s silhouette in the dark, “That’s...your organs. It’s you.” Harry sighed, trying to find the right words, “It’s so stupid that women have these impossible beauty standards. Like what do they want? Women without organs?! Like -”

Louis took hold of Harry’s wrist, stopping the girl’s rant. She knew through experience to ignore the tears building up in her girlfriend’s eyes, “Thank you, love. You always know what to say.”)

She loved to corner Louis into their bedroom. Louis had so much energy and she loved it when Harry chased her around the flat (although Zayn didn’t appreciate it downstairs). The best parts was that when she knew that was Louis was getting tired, Harry could tackle the shorter girl on their bed and give her all the tummy raspberry kisses the Doncaster girl deserved.

She loved to hear Louis giggle her name. She loved the slow kisses they would share after, feeling like time had stopped just for them. Although it obviously never did. Despite Harry’s best efforts, even after moving in together two months ago, they had never gone beyond heavy petting before they had to go to another meeting or interview. Harry had just accepted that the closest they were going to get was raspberries on Louis’ stomach. 

Which wasn’t disappointing at all. Nope.

This was exactly what she was doing about an hour before their big record label meeting. After bunking with Louis throughout The X Factor, Harry knew the tells of when Louis was anxious. For the past few days since Niall had secured them a meeting, Louis had been running around with restless energy. Between bothering Liam and Niall into playing footie and tackling an unamused Zayn, Harry hoped that a quick makeout session would calm Louis down enough for the “very important” meeting.

Harry tried to quietly inch from her hiding place to look down the hallway where she knew Louis was hiding. For some reason, Louis had decided to hide instead of run today. Harry hoped it wasn’t going to result in another water gun fight, it took forever for her hair to dry.

She turned her head from the hallway and yelped at how close Louis’ face was to hers

“I’m bored.”

Harry closed her eyes and put a hand on her racing heart.

“Oh, stop it you drama queen.” Harry huffed at that, “Let's skip over this and start making out already, H.” Louis pulled Harry’s shirt and tugged her into their bedroom. The curly-haired girl would never be able to get over how hot she found Louis’ strength. 

Harry was pulled out of her thoughts when the shorter girl pushed her onto the bed and then jumped on top of her. Harry gulped at Louis’ mischievous smile hovering above her, as Louis looked down at her prize. She slowly ran her fingers down Harry’s sternum, making her want even more. 

“Hazza?”

She could only hum back.

Louis looked down at her with dark eyes, now tracing Harry’s collarbone. She had her crooked grin that always made Harry’s knees weak. “I don’t think this ‘very important’ meeting’s gonna be really fun.” Louis paused dramatically, “So I was thinking. We could have some fun beforehand.”

“Yes!” Harry’s head shot up, almost knocking into Louis, “Um. I mean. Sure, yeah, whatever.” She tried to shrug, lying down.

Louis’ smile got more giggly, as she ran her fingers through Harry’s locks, “You’re lucky you’re cute, Styles.”

Louis kissed the taller girl on the lips, dirty and wet, then travelled down her neck. Harry tried to contain her quiet moans but failed when Louis sucked under her ear. She could feel Louis’ grin as she moved down to her chest. 

After a few moments of worshipping what she could reach on Harry’s chest, Louis let out an annoyed sound, “Off.”

Harry was still in a daze that she just let Louis rip her top off, lifting her arms to the gaze of the shorter girl. 

“Fuck, Harry.” Louis couldn’t keep her hands off the younger girl. Harry had decided to wear a fancy mint green bra (for herself mind you) and her nipples were poking right through the lace.

Harry was about to give a response but was struck the moment Louis wiggled down her body. She tongued Harry’s nipple through the lace, and she can’t keep the low moan in as Louis has her way with her. She seemed to be spurred on by Harry’s loud gasps, as Louis brought a hand up to fondle Harry’s other breast.

Just as quickly as she knelt down, Louis popped her head back up, “Do you think you could come in twenty minutes?”

“Wha -?” Harry panted, her mind made into mush. She could only stare at Louis’ wet lips.

Louis sat up again and smoothed her hair back sheepishly. Harry looked at the clock by their bed and saw they only had thirty minutes left before the car was coming for all of them. She dropped her head back on the bed, resigning herself for another thwarted moment.

Her thoughts were halted at the hand Louis placed between her legs. Harry keened as Louis squeezed her, “Shit, you’re already so wet, Hazza.”

“Louis.” Harry whined, her legs spreading subconsciously.

For the first time, Louis looked vulnerable as she touched the top of Harry’s shorts, “Is it okay if -?”

The curly-haired girl could only nod. Louis knew that she had a limited experience with women, but Harry knew that she had never trusted anyone as much as the older girl.

Harry still tensed when Louis pulled her shorts and pants down in one fluid move. She could count the number of people who had seen her naked with one hand, let alone get this close. What if Louis didn’t like what she saw? Did she even remember to shave?

She felt a soft kiss on her knee, causing her to flutter her eyes open. Louis was smiling softly up at her, “It’s just me, Haz.”

Harry knew the girls joked that her kink was communication and support, but she knew that she was going to come so fast.

“Look at you. So beautiful for me.” Harry’s whole body twitched as Louis teased her fingers along her folds, “I love how responsive you are for me.”

Louis slipped two fingers into her without warning. Harry’s head thumped back into the bed as the older girl pumped her fingers in and out slowly. Harry’s leg kicked out as Louis curled her fingers up, massaging her walls. 

She let out a pant as Louis ruthlessly rubbed her thumb on Harry’s clit. Harry could tell she was getting worked up at the sound of slick as Louis pumped faster. The shorter girl grinded on the bed failing to find friction as she wrecked Harry. 

At that image of Louis, Harry came with a loud sob as she rode her girlfriend’s hand. Her leg couldn’t stop twitching as she kept clenching on Louis’ fingers still inside her. 

Harry panted speechless, looking at the ceiling as she came back down from her high, “Holy cow.”

At that Louis let out a whine, crawling back on top of Harry, “Just. Just let me, please.” She let out little desperate whines as she grinded her wet pussy onto Harry’s thigh.

Harry looked up at Louis’ blissful face above her as she used Harry’s leg, “Fuck, I can’t wait to get my mouth on you.” That was apparently the right thing to say as Louis went faster, whining louder. The short girl pinched her nipples through her undershirt, as she rocked unsteadily, coming explosively.

After riding out her orgasm, Louis fell on top of Harry as both girls tried to regain their breath. Harry got a spark of confidence as she brought the hand Louis had fingered her with up to her mouth. She sucked onto the slender girl’s fingers as Louis looked at her with an unreadable expression.

After Louis’ regained her senses she smacked Harry on the leg, “You’re too much.”

“Heyyy.” Harry happily smiled as she felt Louis get off the bed, “But I’m your too much.”

She giggled as Louis made an over exaggerated groan at that. Although she couldn’t see her, Harry knew her girlfriend was doing her cute nose-scrunch.

“Come on, naughty girl, I’m sure Liam is about to have an aneurysm outside.”

As always, Louis was right as Liam shooed them into the back of the car waiting for them.

(“We were waiting for ten minutes, Tommo! What were you doing?!”)

Harry can feel how nervous Louis was as they rolled up in front of Universal's office. Harry gripped the smaller hand as she whispered in Louis’ ear, “Next time I’m gonna wreck you. I’m gonna eat you out until you come at least twice and forget everything but my name.”

Louis turned to look at her scandalized, her worries gone, “I’ve created a monster.”

Zayn shifted, “What?”

“Nothing!” The two girls chimed.

Harry drifted dreamily, not listening to Niall as they walked down the hall to the meeting room. All she was aware of was Louis’ hand in hers as they took the world on together.

It all went crashing down once Zayn started yelling. “What the fuck do you mean you want me to ‘act more white’?”

“Miss Malik, we -”

“Listen up, asshole, if you want me to sign this ‘updated’ contract you have to know I’m not budging on _concealing_ any of my identities. I’m queer and I’m brown! Get fucked!”

The man beside her looking pained, “Miss Malik, we aren’t bad people. People at other labels would have gone farther, they might have even made you get speech classes or perhaps undergo lightening treatments -”

Zayn looked like she was seconds away from punching him in the face, “What so I’m supposed to thank you for not being _excessively_ colourist?! I’ve seen girls from my hometown do those bleach treatments,” she stood up, spitting those words out, “because they thought being light-skinned was the only way to be pretty. I’m not going to be one of those voices telling them that opinion is right. Well newsflash, asshole, I’m fucking...sexy as hell just the way I am and you can shove...everything up your ass!” Zayn lost momentum towards the end of her speech, but that didn’t stop the awed look Niall was sending her.

The brown girl glanced anxiously at the other girls and whatever she found assured her. She nodded to herself nervously before sitting back down, looking like a storm just waiting for one of the men in suits to contradict her.

By this time Harry had sat up. All this talk about an updated contract sounded way too similar to the threats Simon had levered at Louis months ago. But she knew through Niall’s experience (and rants) that there would always be someone willing to listen to their voices as long as they looked hard enough. Harry was confident the other girls would follow Zayn if she decided to ditch these bigots.

“...Alright. I guess we could spin that rant into something we can work with. As for the ‘queer’ thing -”

“Okay.” Niall slammed her Sprite on the table before her, “Let’s be real. You chancers are proposing this update because you noticed that we drafted a temporary contract and thought we were a gaggle of giggly girls.”

“Nice alliteration,” Liam murmured.

“In actuality I asked my cousin, who’s a lawyer, to write this to test whether Universal was worth our time, an' right now, you guys seem like shit t’be honest.” Niall continued.

The first man scoffed, “What, we’re supposed to believe that One Direction would be able to find offers from other labels?”

“Sure,” Niall turned to Harry, “Harry you’re good friends with Ed Sheeran, right?”

“Yeah,” Harry spoke slowly, caught off guard, “he said we were right mates.”

“Ed Sheeran’s been at the top of charts for, what, over a year now? And he’s managed to do it without signing with a label, just with his connections to other celebrities with recording relations.”

The same man scoffed but Niall continued, “Louis is family friends with James Corden. You know the guy who’s always on the telly and was on Doctor Who and _won_ a Tony?” The blonde made dead-eye contact with the man, “You want to think Corden’s not going to want to help this little cutie out of a homophobic contract if he knew about it?”

Louis bristled at the ‘little’ comment but kept quiet.

“Believe me the only reason we even came here is that Liam wanted a crack at a big recording label before we tried other options, but I guess it seems that I was right about you wankers.” 

Niall took a pause to take a swig of her soda, looking majestic and oddly threatening in her wrinkled blazer and fancy snapback. It was weird to remember that she was only 19 with her cherub face. But Harry remembered Niall confiding in the girls that she had to grow up fast as the only girl in the household once her parents divorced. It wasn’t ideal but as the only girl she took up the role of cooking and cleaning for her older brother and dad. She reasoned to them that she was glad she'd been there if she had been just another guy she would have been naive about the world.

Just as Niall planned, her power play worked, before she could continue the man beside Zayn rushed, “That won’t be a problem, Miss Horan. We can draft you another version of the contract. One that agrees more with One Direction’s image.”

“And we won’t have to compromise on _any_ of our identities?” Zayn questioned.

“Of course not.”

All of the girls smiled, but Harry was still tense. She couldn’t help but blurt out, “I don’t want to hide my relationship with Louis.” When she looked at Louis, she cast her eyes away from her.

Both of the men’s faces were frozen, “Uh, well…”

Four pairs of hardened eyes turned to them.

“We’ll draft the contract.” 

With that dismissal, Niall got up and shook their hands just as Louis fled the room. The blonde motioned for Harry to follow her girlfriend, but when she ran into the hallway she couldn’t find the feather-haired girl anywhere. Finally, in an alcove, she found the shorter girl huddled in a corner.

“Lou…?”

After a few moments Louis sighed, finally looking up at Harry, “Harry,” she began weakly, “are you sure you want everyone to know that we’re together?”

Harry looked at her confused, “Of course. Remember when we used to whisper in our bunk in the house about wanting to shout about our relationship on top of every building?”

Louis looked down again. Her arms hugged herself as if they were the only things keeping her together, “I just don’t want you to regret associating yourself with me. I meant it when I asked for your autograph that day, you have real talent and you could go far.” She let out a self-deprecating laugh, “I don’t want to hold you back.”

“Louis, what the fuck.” Harry stepped forward toward the girl, “How can you still think so little of yourself?”

The shorter girl let out a little shrug.

“You’re the only reason I have this talent. You’re like...my muse but also an artist. You’re like if Mona Lisa and Van Gogh were the same people.”

Harry let out a small laugh at Louis’ raised eyebrow, “Shut up.” The gangly girl gathered herself together again, “Louis, nothing would make me happier to let every tabloid out there know that I’m totally, completely gone for you.”

Louis eyed Harry’s outstretched hand for a moment before taking it, “Okay, popstar, no reason to get sentimental.”

The two nudged each other, giggling as they made their way back to the other girls. They both stopped in their tracks just in time to see Zayn push Niall harshly against the wall. Louis opened her mouth, only to close it again once Zayn pushed her mouth against the blonde in the middle of a half-empty corporate building.

“What?” Louis weakly asked as the completely oblivious pair moved closer together against the wall.

“Niall said something about a rubyfruit jungle and then Zayn froze and I thought something was wrong but then Zayn pushed Niall against the wall and I have no idea what’s happening.” Liam’s lost voice supplied behind them as the couple continued to make out feverishly.

“...I mean I get it. I was turned on by both of them in there.” Harry contributed weakly, as the three girls watched Zayn rip open part of Niall’s shirt, kissing down her fair neck.

“Should - Should we stop them?”

“Uh, god, Zayn, yes. Right there!”

\--------------------------

Louis loved her life. She would forever be thankful to her mother and sister for pushing her to audition for the X Factor. Without their support, she wouldn’t be doing what she loved with the people she loved. She wouldn’t have met Harry. 

But.

She hated this. She hated never knowing where she stood with anyone. Whenever she left her house she didn’t know if she was going to heralded as someone who “saved their life” or spit upon. When she went home, maybe two times a year, she sometimes caught her mom looking at her like she was a stranger. And she was. Three years after auditioning for a reality show and she had only gone home five times.

If you had asked Louis what she valued most years ago she would have answered her sisters, her mother, her family. But now? Privacy was what she craved. 

She had confiscated Harry’s phone at night after the first wave of hate broke. After the One Thing music video came out on their album, Twitter had exploded. Why had Niall worn a suit? Didn’t she know she was a woman? Parents were outraged by Zayn serenading Niall for mere _seconds_ , declaring that she was starting a “gay jihad”. Whatever that was.

The past year the girls had been hounded by Universal to make a “safer” album. It was exhausting to talk in circles, especially once Louis realized that listeners would never be satisfied. They were too bubblegum pop, weren’t they queer? They were too sexual, alienating their younger audience. Why couldn’t they just limit it to one song with female pronouns? Why did they have to push their gay agenda in their faces? It had gotten to the point that even Zayn had been too exhausted to get angry anymore.

Then they had released the Kiss You single and the world exploded. Suddenly everyone had started focusing on Louis and Harry, and Louis just wanted out. 

Louis had been called a dyke a couple times in school, but she had always brushed it away. She liked to dress sporty and she had always liked to cut her jerseys into crop tops and she liked girls and that's the way she liked it. And the only time it happened was by gross guys on the street angry and confused at her short hair and how they still wanted to fuck her. And sure it hurt seeing Twitter insist that her voice weak and not worthy of even a girl group, seeing them insist that she should have never auditioned. She had wanted to punch that Wanted fuckboy who had publicly asked who she had sucked off to get onto the show. But watching her Harry implode on herself? That was worst thing she had to endure.

When the song was still in production, Harry had been bouncy and happy about her parts in the song. She was excited by all the new things she could do now after years of voice training. But now Harry whenever the song played she turned into stone until it ended.

They said her voice was too sexual, husky. In interviews after the single came out, they had to field invasive questions. How many people had she slept with? Did she sleep with fans? For some reason everyone assumed Harry was straight (or confused), so male fans focused all their attention on her. They painted her as a sexual creature. _For god’s sake she was just 18_ , and yet paparazzi would swarm her as soon as she left the house.

At first Louis had been relieved when the Elvis-themed video came out, hoping it would make all that attention swerve onto the group itself. But of course Louis just _had_ to suggest the idea of dipping and kissing her girlfriend at the end of the video. She just wanted them to see what their love looked like. They would see who would be able to touch Harry, who was allowed to love her.

The funny thing is that after their meeting with their record label, she thought they had gotten over the biggest obstacle to their relationship. After all, they were legally allowed to show their love in public. 

How could she have brainwashed this young girl, they screamed on talk shows. _For God’s sake she was just 18._ Louis was painted as a lesbian predator, preying on an innocent, naive girl. The older girl hoped they choked on their hypocrisy. 

They all had different methods of coping with the hate. Liam had shed her personality and had started binge drinking at Funky Buddha. Of course, after the first album drama had come out, Liam had reacted by practising some more. As if desperately believing that if they had enough talent, sexism and islamophobia wouldn’t exist. But as soon as she got the results back that her second kidney had started working again, she became a borderline-alcoholic. Louis didn’t recognize her friend in paparazzi photos. During a month of tense label talks, she had gotten into the habit of bringing home a string of different people. It only stopped after Zayn had a long, mysterious and emotional chat with the younger girl. Neither bandmates talked about that conversation, but afterwards, Liam got help and got better for it.

Zayn had reacted by drowning in weed. Even back at the bungalow, Louis and Zayn had gotten into the habit of smoking to loosen up together. But Zayn had started to use the drug as a crutch until Niall had decided to take matters into her own hands. Her solution was the suggestion that the couple should get a lizard. And then a bulldog. And then a cat. At this point, their house was a zoo. But they were happy and Zayn was getting herself back into Facebook rants again.

And Harry? 

Louis looked at the clock above the couch she was sprawled upon. It was past two in the morning and Harry still wasn’t home. She had been pulled out of her depressing, introspective thoughts by the loud ticking reminding her of her girlfriend’s distance in the past few months.

The short girl tried to block the fact that it had started way before, a little more than a year after they had moved in together. When they had first moved in together, all those months ago, Louis had joked that if they didn’t make some friends in London soon they would become a regular old married couple. 

It made sense back then to encourage Harry to make friends with people in the city. Louis had joked that they were hipster trash trying to take her Hazza away from her. Until it had started to hit too close to home.

Louis would be the first to say that she hadn’t given Nicholas Grimshaw, the ponce, the time of day the first time she met him. She’s not ashamed to say that her attitude did not change every time she saw him. But at this point, it felt justified.

She hadn’t realized how much Harry had withdrawn from her until the Kiss You video came out. 

(“Ugh, my everything hurts. Can you get the heating pad and massage my feet, darling?”

“Can’t.” Harry hadn’t even looked at her, “I already made plans to go out for drinks with Grimmy and Greg.”

“Oh.” Louis had been thrown, “Why didn’t you invite me?”

All she got in reply was a shrug and the back of her girlfriend’s head as Louis was abandoned after a gruelling day of interviews.)

Louis had listened to all those rants against biphobia Harry had passionately shared when they had first become friends. Although Harry identified with pansexuality and that label, most publications found it a hard time to decipher, thus she was often landed with the bisexual or “just confused” label. 

Harry had angrily spouted out statistics about how much higher bisexual suicide rates and domestic abuse was, partly because of the stereotypes bisexual people were landed with. And Louis totally understood that.

Yet at the same time, every time Harry brushed her aside for _Grimmy_ or _Greg_ like she was a worn plaything, the same thoughts came to whisper at the back of her mind. _What if she leaves me for one of them? She’s blaming me for this. Why won’t she talk to me? What if she is leaving me every night to be with them?_

On the rare nights Harry went to bed with her, she would stare at her girlfriend’s profile. Wondering if this was the last night she would lie beside the woman she had given her heart to when she was 18.

If asked, Louis would say that her reaction to the hate was the loss of her self-confidence. Sure, before she had had bouts of self-deprecation but nowadays she didn’t even cry anymore. Louis just felt numb. Nothing gave her pleasure now. Not when she knew that even her girlfriend agreed with the press. 

She had always held tight to the idea that she could take on the world as long as she had her love and friends by her side. But her girlfriend was the one breaking her heart piece by piece, day by day.

Maybe it would have been better if Louis had never auditioned.

\---------------------------

Louis closed her laptop. She had planned to have another night-in binge-watching a show, but two episodes of Black Mirror was enough for her. The twenty-two year old looked at the empty wine bottle next to her on the couch. When had she finished that?

Lately Louis had felt like time has been slipping away from her. She didn’t really enjoy things anymore. She felt like she didn’t even know herself. 

Louis stood up and walked towards the kitchen. She stopped at the floor length mirror they had put up in the hallway. She looked like a shell of a person. Where was she?

She felt like a ghost. It’s not like she could do anything tangible. She wasn’t even allowed to write her own music. She probably wasn’t even capable of it anyway, just as she wasn’t good enough for her girlfriend to care about her. Louis felt powerless. Her whole life seemed like attempts of grabbing smoke, persevering even as people told her she was incapable. 

Louis let out a sob as she put her hands on the mirror, bracing herself against it to keep her up. No tears came. She couldn’t do this anymore. She needed to feel something. She frantically took her phone out of her sweatpants and dialled a number to her lifeline.

“ _Alright?_ ” A low drawl came from the other side.

“Can you come over? Please?” Louis could hear commotion on the other line as her pleas were forced out of her like sobs. If only.

“ _Yeah, babe. Fuck. I’m on my way, yeah? Just stay there. You’re at home right?_ ” After a few more jumbles the line went dead. And Louis waited.

It felt like thirty seconds before a loud knocking came at the door. Louis thought she probably should be worried that the flow of time had seemed to be lost on her lately, but the blue-eyed girl didn’t have the energy to care. 

Louis lethargically trudged to the door and flipped the lock, and was immediately met with caring hands. 

She buried her head in long black curls as soft arms encircled her. One moment a warm hand was rubbing her back and the next she was bursting out in tears that she couldn’t control. Louis violently shook as she desperately curled herself against her best friend. She couldn’t control the loud noises that came out of her body as all the bottled up trauma of the past two years came out. Louis wondered to herself when the shift happened where she felt safe with this person uncovering this vulnerable side of her without feeling afraid of getting hurt.

Louis was still shaking once the tears stopped. She stayed curled up, her face gently seeking comfort from the younger girl’s chest. After a while, Louis registered nimble fingers softly playing with her short hair. 

With one last, loud sniff Louis lifted her head and looked into empathetic hazel eyes.

Zayn gently sighed, “What was that about, love?” The desi girl lightly poked Louis’ tear-stained cheek.

“I don’t know,” Louis looked down, “I just feel so bad. And dirty.” She could feel more tears threatening to rise up again, “And I don’t even know why. Zayn, why don’t I know why?”

The taller girl shushed her, “Well let’s start with this,” Zayn led her by the hand to Louis’ kitchen. “When was the last time you ate, Lou?”

Louis shrugged helplessly, she must have forgotten to eat anything in the past twenty-four hours. Given Zayn’s face, the younger girl could read her mind. Louis desperately hoped Zayn didn’t see the empty wine bottle on the couch.

In any other situation Louis would have laughed at seeing Zayn with her hands on her hips in the middle of her kitchen. In the past two years on the road, Louis had heard her share of rants about the notions of the woman’s place in the kitchen. 

(“I mean my male cousins and uncles _never_ helped in the kitchen during holidays. And! They didn’t even let my little cousin learn how to cook for an iftar meal one year ‘because it was woman’s work’. Like what the fuck!”)

And yet this headstrong girl was rummaging through Louis’ drawers and cooking for her at three in the morning because she felt bad. Louis felt a spark of strong emotion bite through her solid apathy.

“Hey bebs, are you good with mac and cheese? Like -” 

Louis tore toward Zayn, grabbing her and turning her around roughly. The shorter girl went on her tiptoes and planted their lips together aggressively. Zayn froze against her as Louis desperately moved her lips against hers. A few moments later the taller girl lost herself and wrapped her arms around Louis’ shoulder, deepening the kiss. Louis felt another emotion this time, triumph.

After what felt like a few minutes of exploring each other’s mouths, Zayn broke away. Their lips made an audible sound as they separated. The younger girl’s confused eyes searched Louis’ for an answer as she gasped from the intense kiss.

“Louis.” Zayn’s mouth hung open as she thought of how to respond, “I have a girlfriend. You have a girlfriend. We can’t -”

The blue-eyed girl wrapped herself around her friend, trying to kiss her again but just rubbing herself against the taller girl. 

“Please. Please, Zayn.” Louis put her lips against her best friend’s cheek, “You’re the only person who sees me,” she felt something build up in her throat, “anymore.”

“Oh babe,” Zayn pushed her back by the shoulders. “Is this about Harry?” she asked in a low tone.

The older girl felt angry suddenly. The absence of the numbness felt exhilarating, and she clung to the singular feeling.

“Of course it’s about fucking Harry! It’s about how my girlfriend doesn’t fucking care about me anymore! It’s about how the only people she hangs out with anymore are those dickheads from BBC or pop queens like Taylor Swift! She’s out there right now, probably fucking laughing about her stupid, loud, clingy girlfriend who can’t ever grow up.”

She brought a hand up to Zayn’s grim face, “And it’s about how you’re the only one who’ll listen to me. Who I’m not afraid to share my vulnerable side with. It’s about how you’re the only person who doesn’t make me feel like a ghost anymore.”

At those words she brought her lips back onto Zayn’s. This time the kiss was gentle, slower, and shorter.

Zayn ended the kiss again lowering her head to stare at the tiles.

“You know,” Zayn chuckled humorlessly, “when I first met you I thought you were amazing. I saw a woman who wasn’t afraid to be loud, and you just amazed me with the confidence you had.” Zayn playfully tousled Louis’ hair, “Your short hair and your button downs. You were beautiful.”

Louis pecked Zayn again at the girl’s pause, chasing the taste of her lips. She had heard this speech before when they had gotten absolutely shit-faced after a show once but that hadn't held the t this time there was a tone of underlying tension.

Zayn briefly hesitated, “I had the biggest fucking crush on you. I used to joke to Doniya that you were the soft butch to my hard femme.” She whispered the admission and made quick eye contact before looking away. “But I saw how gone you and Harry were so I didn’t do anything. And if Harry is really doing all that...I don’t know, okay? If she is, that’s really shitty. But I’m with Niall now. I - We can’t.”

Louis didn’t want to think about Harry or Niall right now. She desperately chased Zayn’s lips again, running her tongue along the other girl’s lips. Louis devoured the brown girl’s mouth, disregarding the whimper coming from within. As she felt Zayn moving to pull away again, Louis seductively bit the younger girl’s lip. She offered a dramatized pleading look up at Zayn before giving one last quick peck to the girl’s soft lips.

“Fuck.” Zayn closed her eyes, whispering, “You’re going to be the death of me.”

Louis instantly felt guilty and _bad_ again, “...I’m sorry.” She crawled back into herself, feeling small again.

“No, no.” Zayn grabbing her hand before Louis could withdraw completely. “It’s not your fault I’m still somehow fucking gone for both you and Niall. And in literally any other instance that wouldn’t be bad. If anything, this band is a perfect playground for polyamorous relationships. The only thing is you and Harry.”

Louis really didn’t want to have a conversation about how Harry didn’t want her anymore.

“Louis, you don’t want that. You are literally the most monogamous -”

“You don’t know that. You can’t fucking tell me who I fucking am!” Louis tore her hand away from Zayn, “Let’s just eat your fucking mac and cheese.”

“Bebs,” Zayn looked at Louis’ back, “I’m sorry, that was a shit move, I -”

“You’re probably right though,” Louis looked down again, “I’m not fucking enough for Harry, how could I be enough for two people.”

Zayn rushed to her side, “No -”

Louis gestured to the lifeless house she shared with her absent girlfriend, “Tell me that I’m enough for Harry.”

“You’re enough for me!” Zayn blurted out before taking a step back. “And this is so fucked up. And -”

“Can we just,” Louis meekly interrupted. “Can we just cuddle?” 

Zayn stared at her for a moment before confidently pulling Louis towards her and kissing the shorter girl, “Do you mean can I hold you while watching Grease with short breaks where we make out?” she smirked.

“You know me so well.” Louis joked back. 

But her mind was thinking back to a simpler time when her support system had been her girlfriend. Louis looked back up at the girl scooping some of the finished macaroni, that she definitely was going to mother hen Louis into finishing. 

Zayn smiled across the counter at Louis, her face uncharacteristically vulnerable and open. 

Well, at least Louis wasn’t alone.

\--------------------------

Harry looked at the pebbly wall next to her head. She had been staring for so long, she had already seen a dragon and three clouds in the markings. The tall girl sighed and brushed her fringe away from her eyes. She needed to tell Louis.

At this point her excuses were getting flimsy. _Louis still sees me as a kid, she wouldn’t be able to handle it._ But Louis had always treated her as an equal. Harry knew that all the doting back in the X Factor was due to Louis’ maternal spirit as the oldest of five girls. 

Harry thought back to her last session with her therapist at the outpatient clinic, which had spurred her to book a room at this motel, as she had for many previous nights. 

(“Harriet, you’ve come a long way and you should be proud of the progress you’ve made. I’m going to move your sessions to be bi-weekly, on one condition. You have to tell your girlfriend about what’s been going on.” Her therapist pushed on after seeing Harry shake her head, “I’m sorry, Harriet, but you’re at the point when the main thing that will help you keep your journey to be ongoing is support from friends and family.”)

Harry continued twirling ringlets of her hair around her finger as she thought hard. She would tell her in the morning, she decided.

The green-eyed girl would be lying if she said that she slept well that night. As she tossed and turned, she went through a cycle of guessing what Louis had thought she was doing at night for the past year. What if Louis was about to leave her because she thought she was cheating on her? Harry had been lying to the older girl for so long, that was probably not a trait people looked for in a partner. Fuck, Louis was going to leave her as soon as she told her.

Before she knew it Harry was standing in front of the green door to their house. She touched the wood reverently, remembering the summer when they had painted the house together, giggling and sharing kisses without a care in the world.

(“We’re millionaires,” Louis reasoned, “and it matches your eyes, Miss Froggy.”)

As Harry stepped through the threshold, she heard complete silence. She thought Louis had left, until she got to their bedroom. Her mouth quirked up slightly as she saw a dozing Zayn and Louis cuddling under thin blankets. It almost looked like they weren’t anything underneath. Harry was glad that Louis had someone hanging out with her, at least. Harry resolved that if Louis decided to stay with her, she would work hard to be Louis’ lifeline again.

“Hey, love.” Harry stroked Louis’ cheek gently as the blue-eyed girl’s eyelashes fluttered lightly.

She felt a pool of warmth in her stomach at the sound of the older girl’s hummed response as the girl stretched. The butterflies in her stomach immediately turned into an icy blizzard when she saw that Louis was completely naked under the blankets with Zayn.

Louis realized her mistake a second after. Her small hands scrambled for the blanket to cover herself.

“I can explain -”

Harry didn’t hear the rest of Louis’ reasoning. Of course. She understood. It’s not like she was ever here for the older girl. But through all that she felt a fit of anger explode within her.

“How long has this been going on.”

“It hasn’t been long!” At Harry’s silence Louis supplied, “This was the third time tops...Harry -”

Harry looked on in shock as her strong, confident girlfriend burst into tears before her. At her, frankly loud, sobs Zayn roused.

“What’s going on, babe?” Zayn kissed Louis’ temple and drew her into her equally bare bosom. 

The raven-haired girl hadn’t seen Harry yet, as she moved forward to kiss Louis deeply. Harry watched as Louis gave in easily to the other girl’s lips. She numbly wondered when she had last kissed Louis like this.

“I -” At Harry’s low drawl, Zayn quickly drew back.

“Oh, shit.” Zayn hopped out of their bed and put her clothes on in record time as she ran from the room. 

The couple stayed still as they heard the door downstairs slam shut, sealing their house once again to include only their two lonely souls.

“Harry, I’m so sorry -”

“Don’t.” Harry closed her eyes, steeling herself. Now was a good time as any, “I need to tell you something, something really important.” 

Harry let out a long exhale, like her therapist taught her, “The reason I’ve been gone at night for so long is because I’ve going to a clinic for the past few months. I had a really bad alcohol problem,” Harry couldn’t look at Louis, afraid of how she was reacting, “like really bad. It got to the point that I was getting blackout drunk every night to cope with everything. And I just couldn’t tell you because I was afraid of how you would think of me. I thought you would leave me if you found out. But I guess I didn’t even to do that for you to run into someone else’s arms.”

At the noise of dissent below her Harry scrunched her nose, shaking her head, “No that’s not fair. It wasn’t like I was being a perfect girlfriend regardless. I guess we should have talked more, huh?”

Harry gave a watery smile as she finally looked up to see a broken Louis. When had her girlfriend gotten so sad? When was the last time Harry had properly looked at her girlfriend and seen her hopeless eyes?

“I’ll be out of your hair soon. I can get a motel. I’ll pack really quick -”

“No, Harry I -” Louis cut herself off with a breath that sounded like a sob. She reached out, like she wanted to grab Harry closer to her. “Please. I’m sorry.”

Harry continued, “I think we need a break to think. I can’t live with myself right now with how I’ve treated you when I was just thinking about myself and what I was going through. I never considered how you were feeling -”

“You’re not considering how I’m feeling right now by not letting me speak!” Louis looked like she was falling apart, her hands shaking, “You never consider how I’m feeling when you imagine that I’m this impenetrable tower that can’t be affected by anything! You need to let me down from that stupid pedestal you’ve made of me in your head, Harry, and consider that I’m depressed and broken and not as strong as you think I am.” She paused, “Zayn could.”

Harry felt like she was just slapped, “Is this you saying you’re leaving me for Zayn?”

“Don’t fucking twist my words, Harry. All you do is twist my words and make me feel like I’m nothing. Nothing to you, nothing worth fighting for. You’re just giving up on me right now!” 

“I’m not giving up on you.”

By this time Louis was on her on the bed so they were eye-level, “Horseshit. You’re running away, same difference.”

“Oh, and you’re better? You think you’re better than me, after what you’ve done?” Harry bellowed, getting into the other girl’s face.

At that Harry turned and started throwing random things into her suitcase. She couldn’t even see through her tears as what had just transpired finally caught up with her. 

With her suitcase Harry paused at their bedroom door, “Please. Just wait for me. We can cool off and I’ll be back and we can talk.”

“I don’t want to lose you.” Louis croaked in response, “Shit Harry, you’re the best thing that happened to me.”

Harry could see the same thing she was feeling in Louis eyes. She knew that there was a way that they could make it. There was always a way.

She had a one-track mind as she rolled back into her motel room. She would show Louis that she would fight for her. They were a fantastic team and everyone knew it. 

That had been their downfall as they had lived in their own little bubbles, without considering what the other person was going through. They had both assumed that they knew the other person so much better.

Harry got out a sheet of paper:

_We’re not who we used to be._  
We’re just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me.  
Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat. 

Harry could already hear a sound for the song, a soft twang with no effects. She would never suggest it for the group, it was too personal. But maybe it could help save her relationship with Louis. 

The girl flashed back to Louis’ tear-stained face. Harry had taken the girl that had given her the most happiness and made her miserable and sad. She vowed to never take Louis for granted ever again. Harry would remind Louis everyday of how much she loved her.

_If she takes you back_ , her mind supplies. Harry shook her hand vigorously again. No, she couldn’t lose Louis. This had to be the greatest song to ever exist. It had to encompass all the pain. Harry looked down at what she had just written:

_The fridge light washes this room white_  
Moon dances over your good side  
This was all we used to need 

_Tongue-tied like we've never known_  
Telling those stories we already told  
'Cause we don't say what we really mean. 

This could work.

\---------------------------

Louis panted, her grey muscle shirt was stained from sweat from hours of manual labor. She put her hands on her hips, looking at their new kingdom. 

It had been several months, and both Harry and Louis had decided to live together again, permanently. Harry had insisted for a while that she would sleep on the couch, but in the end Louis had convinced her to take the master bedroom. It just came to show that Harry was still the same person the short girl had fallen in love with in that bathroom.

There were boxes everywhere, masking how vast their new living room was. Sometimes Louis couldn’t believe that she had this life. She had come from a working family. She had never expected to be a billionaire, truthfully her younger self had just wanted to live without worrying about money and helping her mom meet her little sisters’ needs. 

“Hey Lou, where do you want the blue table?” Harry yelled through the open doorway.

“I don’t fucking know! In the emptiest room!” Louis turned to the one solace in the crowded room and scooped out some cocoa pops into one little cupped hand. Maybe it wasn’t a perfect idea to decide to move a few days before the start of their next tour.

Louis thought back to her mum’s reaction to their decision.

(“Let me get this straight, sunshine...You’re moving in with your ex, and you’re not getting back together?”)

It wasn’t just her mum who was deterred to the move. Liam almost had a heart attack throughout all the drama, especially with her need to mother the other girls on and off of tour.

But the truth was they just didn’t understand the dynamic between the two girls. It didn’t feel like a breakup because Louis still felt like Harry was part of her. 

She tried to explain to Lottie that it just felt like a cast on her arm. They were able to find the broken bone and soothe the bruises together. Louis was sure they would recover after this rough patch.

And there was really more than enough evidence that they were working on the relationship together. Harry had convinced Louis to go to therapy and try some medications on a trial basis. Louis had heard enough horror stories from her mum of people getting rushed to the hospital after overdosing on their medications.

They also made a pact to stop assuming things about each other. Harry had gone as far as making it a rule to talk about things that bothered each of them from every day as a nightly ritual. Louis finally felt like she knew the younger girl again. She felt like she saw Harry more now than back when they were in a relationship and living together.

Louis was surprised by how easily it all worked together. It didn’t hurt that she broadened her support system to include her mum and Harry. Although, she wasn’t sure if Zayn was still on that list.

She chided herself as the thought of Zayn came back to her again. From the moment Louis had made it very clear that nothing would continue between the two, Zayn had ghosted. The only way she even knew Zayn was okay was from updates from Niall.

Apparently throughout their affair, Niall had been under the impression that Louis had just joined the polyamorous relationship with Zayn and her. Niall had lectured both of them when she found out that Harry had never been aware or consenting. Niall almost went as far as signing them both up for a workshop about healthy poly- relationships, but thankfully Zayn was able to talk her down.

Louis was glad that Zayn at least had Niall right now through all of this. She chuckled as she thought of how much Zayn had rubbed off on Niall. They had created a huge stir on the twitterverse when they went to a protest together in disguise.

She was brought out of her trance by the pinging of a phone. Louis sighed as she saw that Harry still had her twitter notifications on. It was probably just fans taking sneaky pics of them moving. Just as she was about to turn away, she caught the sight of Zayn’s handle.

“ _who’s gonna tell Hazza that Louis’ kicking her out? weird that ther’es only one bed L**is_ ” one read, accompanied by a picture of her bed getting carried by one of the movers.

Louis rolled her eyes, just fans trying to analyze every single thing they saw out of context. She didn’t know what to think about the new trend of Harry stans ex-ing out her name, it wasn’t really doing anything. Louis contemplated commenting on the tweet. _Maybe ‘do better’_ , she thought.

She scrolled down and saw the first comment, “ _@xbitchmalumsx it gets worse than that. @zaynmalik just got hacked @harry_styles should have known better when we said tht L was a slutty bitch_ ”. 

Louis hesitated before clicking the image link to a picture of her sleeping. Half of her body was shown completely naked, next to Zayn’s smiling face.

Her hand shook as she saw the rest of the comments, she couldn’t breathe. All she could see were individual words. 

_“Slut”_

_“Whore”_

_“Cheater”_

What did Zayn do?

“Louis. Louis.” She heard a low voice and felt arms wrap around her. She didn’t know how much time she lost during her panic attack. “Louis, I’ve been calling your name forever, what happened?” 

The older girl shoved the phone at Harry before frantically searching her pockets for her own. Zayn had called her fourteen times and left as many voicemails. 

Louis opened up her texts. _“Louis im so sorry no one was supposed to see that.” “i just knew i didn’t have more time w/ you nd i need a picture of you to keep” “i’m so sorry lou” “pleasse call me”_

She felt numb until Harry’s voice came up beside her, “Zayn says she’s leaving the band.”

That spurred her on, Louis pressed Zayn’s name. After one ring Zayn answered the phone, “ _Oh thank god, Louis I’m so sorry -_ ”

“Zayn you’re not leaving the fucking band,” Louis interrupted, “I love you but you’re so fucking stupid sometimes. You’re not leaving the band.”

“ _Well I think that’s more of my decision -_ ”

“Just like how it was my decision for you to take naked selfies with my sleeping body?” Louis paused to hear silence on the other line.

“We’ll get over this just like how we got over Kiss You and Midnight Memories and the other dozen times we got hate on twitter. All we need is each other, right?”

Silence.

“Right?” Louis repeated louder.

“ _I don’t even know why you’re doing this Lou. I ruined your life._ ”

“It’s because you’re my fucking best friend even though you’re dumb as shit.”

Zayn giggled and then suddenly they were both cackling madly on the phone, and Louis didn’t want to stop.

\------------------------------

Harry tied up her hair in a high ponytail. This was what she wanted. She let out a long exhale as Liam stepped close to her from behind.

“Are you sure, Haz?”

Harry silently nodded and in the next moment she heard a _snip!_

This was a symbol of letting go of everything that had convoluted her relationships: with Louis, her mom, her sisters (both in blood and heart). This was a symbol of shedding that image of a recovering sex-crazed alcoholic.

When the girls had had a meeting about what they were going to do in the next year, Louis had surprised everyone when she suggested that they take a hiatus. 

(“But how long should it be?”

“Just until we all feel good about it, Nialler. But we all have to be on the same page.”

“...Well I’ll have all of you girls on my speed-dial.”

“Thank you, Niall.”)

Harry was worried about what this would mean for her and Louis. They hadn’t lived at home together for long spaces of time in the past year, since they had always been on tour. They had finally done another Oceania tour, and it was worth it to see both queer and straight fans overjoyed to see their heroes.

“Looks good, Hazza.” Louis soft voice floated from the doorway.

Harry’s heart skipped a beat as she saw Louis’ fluffy bedhead and drowsy eyes. The smaller girl was drowning in one of Liam’s sweatshirts and a pair of designer sweatpants, because of course. 

“ _Sick, mate!_ ” Niall’s tiny face on the screen gave a thumbs up, “ _You look like a sexy British Ruby Rose._ ”

“ _Do you think you could get on Orange is the New Black, Haz?_ ” Zayn chimed beside Niall.

Harry let out a cackle. She forgot how long it had been since she had let out such a carefree laugh. This hiatus was a great decision. Typical of her Louis.

.

A few weeks later and Harry couldn’t find Louis anywhere in the house. Liam was dragging her to speed-dating and there was no one beside her best friend that she wanted to ask about her outfit. She didn’t really want to go, but Liam had worn her down in the past few months. 

(“I don’t completely understand this whole thing with living with your ex, but you need to at least _try_ to put yourself back out there!”)

She finally found the older girl in the front yard, staring at the huge tree by the fence. Their house had come with a peach tree, which was why they had been interested in it. Back when they were a couple and constantly looking for bigger houses for them together.

Harry didn’t want to disturb the girl lost in thought. She was humming something Harry couldn’t discern. Louis’ hair had grown in the past year, but Louis was still holding out on her regular trim. Her hair was almost long enough to reach her shoulder. The caramel locks were blowing in the light breeze, as she hugged her knees continuing to gaze at the peaches on the tree.

“Are you going somewhere special, Hazza?”

Harry hesitated, she didn’t want to say where she was heading off to. Everything was still so confusing between them, something cutting her hair would never be able to fix although she wanted it to.

“What were you humming?”

Louis let out a little laugh, “Do you not remember?” At seeing Harry shake her head Louis sang, “ _Well, I've been afraid of changin'. 'Cause I've built my life around you._ ” 

She looked back at the sky, not looking at Harry’s reaction, “You told me one night years ago that you wanted a romance as devastating as that song.” Louis let out a wet laugh, “Well? Did I grant your wish?”

Harry could barely remember that conversation from almost six years ago. She felt like her heart was breaking again, but this time for Louis. Before she could respond Louis spoke again.

“It’s pathetic that I can’t get my mind away from you. I mean I’m the one who fucking ended this relationship!” Louis brought one sweater paw up to swipe her eyes.

“I’ve got to go.” Louis stood up and wiped the seat of her pants. 

Harry wasn’t sure how she would have responded if Louis hadn’t run away. 

She didn’t go to the date.

.

A handful of weeks later, Harry was doing a marathon of rom-coms for self-care. She had just come back from the set of the movie she had gotten a minor part in, and she was exhausted.

Just as Rose was about to go below the deck of the Titanic, she felt Louis hop onto the couch next to her.

“So what happened, Haz?” Louis stole the popcorn bowl from her lap and started snacking, “Whatever it was doesn’t matter. You’re ‘arry fuckin’ ‘yles so it doesn’t matter.” Her words were almost indecipherable with the amount of popcorn in her mouth.

“Why do you think I don’t love you anymore?” _That_ wasn’t what Harry wanted to say.

Louis cocked her head at her, her small mouth still full. She made a hand gesture indicating her whole body and rolled her eyes.

“Louis, nothing you do will stop me from loving you. You gave me that Stevie Nicks romance and beyond. You changed me, we grew up together!” Harry raised her hands, upset that Louis could value herself so lowly when she still thought the girl was the best thing on earth. She felt like she would do something that she would regret if she kept talking so Harry got up to get a bath. With lots of candles. Lots and lots of candles.

.

They were so deep in the hiatus that Harry had stopped counting the weeks. She woke up in the middle of the night to the feeling of a body slithering under the covers with her. Harry let out a confused grunt.

“It’s just me,” Louis whispered, “Had a bad dream.”

Harry nodded and reached around to tug Louis into her chest, her mind still half-asleep.

“Fuck, I forgot you sleep naked.”

Harry felt herself wake up a little more at that. She nuzzled her head into the soft head of hair within her arms. It smelt familiar and like home.

Two timid hands encircled Harry’s waist.

“Love you.”

.

The first thing Harry felt when she woke up was stickiness. This wasn’t weird since she usually slept naked, and boob sweat came as a package deal. But it felt like she was stuck to another person. That wasn’t right.

The body next to her let out a hum. Harry peeked one eye open to see the splendor of a topless Louis Tomlinson stretching in her bed.

“Hope you don’t mind,” Louis yawned, “wanted to join the nudist party.” 

Harry would bet Niall’s snapback that Louis was smirking. It felt like slow-motion as Harry knew what was going to happen next, naturally.

She didn’t remember who moved first, but suddenly she was on top of Louis as they were frantically kissing. The smaller girl couldn’t get enough of her, as she tweaked Harry’s nipple and then stroked her back the next moment. The only thing Harry could concentrate on was the taste of Louis. Yorkshire tea, gummy bears, and morning breath. Home. But she needed more.

Harry tore away from Louis’ lips and moved down, kissing the stomach she loved so much. She looked up at Louis as her hands felt the waistband of Louis’ pajama bottoms. The blue-eyed girl had a dazed look on her face as she nodded.

The younger girl reverently pulled Louis’ bottoms and pants down slowly, drinking her in. 

Harry licked her lips as she kissed down Louis’ pubic bone before finally licking figure eights into the smaller girl. She spent a few moments worshipping the girl’s inner lips while completely ignoring the clit. Harry had her own smirk on as she heard Louis’ restless moans. 

She held Louis’ hips down as she began bucking her hips, trying to get Harry to stop avoiding her clit. 

“Harry, please.” Louis’ voice begged raspy with want.

Harry came up for air and sucked a hickey on Louis’ thigh. She bit the girl’s other thigh before sucking on Louis’ clit.

Louis went crazy, jerking even more and letting more throaty moans into the air. She was just letting out a stream of grunts, like she wasn’t even aware of the needy sounds she was making.

Harry continued flicking her tongue against the sweet girl’s clit. Her fingers came up to Louis’ slit and felt that Louis had gotten even wetter. She stuck two fingers into the girl and started thrusting up into Louis’ G-spot. Harry hadn’t forgotten how to play Louis like her own personal instrument.

Louis’ voice rose like a crescendo as her thighs started trembling around Harry’s face. She let out a scream as she climaxed and clutched her fists into the sheets.

Louis’ pants sounded like music to Harry’s ears. Harry brought to fingers to rub her clit, already knowing that she was close from just going down on Louis. Her release was silent as her mouth opened up in a scream as electricity ran through her veins.

Harry’s sweaty body fell on top of Louis despite the tiny girl’s protests.

After a short minute of play-fighting, Louis gave up and let Harry pin her wrists down.

“I love you too.” Louis bit her lip as she looked into Harry’s eyes. “I’m not sure if you remembered. But. Do you want to...do you want to try again?”

Harry blinked and paused, “Hi. I’m Harry do you come here often, naked and sweaty?”

Louis huffed jokingly and batted Harry’s hand away, “I swear, it’s like you live in a romantic comedy.”

Harry squished Louis into a hug, her nose pressing into the older girl’s cheek, “I’m so happy.”

“I missed you.” Louis whispered.

\--------------------------

“Thank you for being such a good audience tonight!” Liam shouted in the midst of screams from the crowd, “As you know this is our first concert after the hiatus and we’re just so blessed that you all still support us so much!”

“We love you!” Louis shouted, sans mic. 

Screams answered her and she couldn’t stop the huge smile growing on her face as she looked up into the rafters. This is why they did this, even through all the bullshit from interviewers and the media. 

“Yes, thank you for having uz.” Niall imitated Harry’s classic line and put her hands in front of her, bowing a little. Zayn came up beside her and copied her girlfriend until they just kept bowing at each other, giggling.

“Okay, okay, whatever.” Harry overexaggerated an eye-roll as she adjusted the mic stand in front of her, “We’ve got a special treat for you all lovely people before we leave today.”

Liam nodded next to the taller girl while the other three girls looked at each other, confused. Louis didn’t remember them adding an encore for their first concert. She had thought they had all decided to keep it relatively short in order to ease their way back into the aggressive scheduling.

“The great Liam Payne is going to be accompanying me with her amazing guitar skills.”

“Well,” Liam bashfully bent her head, still surprised at the community of five girls who loved her unconditionally for seven years, “it was just something to improve on during the break, I guess.”

Louis knew the feeling well. Even though they had all stayed in constant contact with each other during the break, it was still a shock to be in close quarters with the girls again. Last night had felt like the bungalow all over again.

Harry and Louis had made sure that everyone knew they were back together again from the tweets and instas they made about each other, even while doing their solo work. But Zayn and Niall had been their usual private selves. They had only heard about their new addition to their poly relationship when Demi had visited them during rehearsals. The new development had caused an abrupt stop to the practice as the rest of the girls had questioned the throuple relentlessly.

(“But whose she with? What’s a throuple?”

“Google exists, Leemo.”)

Louis came back to herself once Liam started strumming some familiar notes. 

“This isn’t one of our songs, but it’s been influential to some of the members of this band.” Harry began, “These past seven years have been the best years of our lives and I’m looking forward to the rest of my life with these girls.”

Harry turned her body towards Louis, “As some of you know I’m in a relationship with the one person who alwyas brings me home.”

Louis giggled wetly, remembering the song Harry wrote about her on her self-titled album. She had been blown away by Harry’s songwriting, she was surprised that her girlfriend had not decided to end the show with one of her own songs. She still couldn’t identify the song that Liam kept playing the intro to.

“Louis,” she looked at Harry from across the stage still confused, “our relationship hasn’t always been perfect, but I think that’s why it’s so great. We’ve overcome all our hurdles together and still came out on the other side. And I know I’ll always love you in every universe. So this is my promise to you that I will always. Love you. And why I promise that I won’t make fun of you when you cry.”

Harry winked at Louis before facing forward again. She nodded at Liam once before she started singing.

After the first note Louis let out a small sob and covered her hands over her mouth. Harry’s voice brought her back, flashing memories of their journey together through thick and thin. To the times when she realized that Harry was the one, when she met Harry in the bathroom eight years ago, their first time. She wouldn’t trade this girl or this life for anything.

Louis met Harry’s eyes towards the end. She saw tears mirroring hers in those sparkling green eyes, and she felt her breath catch again.

“ _And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills_  
Well the landslide will bring it down  
Oh, the landslide will bring it down.”

She would never forget how lucky they were to meet each other all those years ago.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find my tumblr [here](http://thewizardofgays.tumblr.com)
> 
> And if you liked it, please reblog my [fic post](http://thewizardofgays.tumblr.com/post/164834570311/my-fics-3-if-you-see-my-reflection-in-the)


End file.
